Why God Let Jane Get Stuck in The Dump*

By: Noway Hosay

Warning: This story is not a normal story. It is a story of such emotional intensity that every so often it is deemed necessary to insert an intermission. This so that the reader is not unnecessarily overwhelmed by whatever emotions may be aroused by the graphic tragedy this tale contains.

The Story: Jane was a fairly normal girl growing up as I recall. She enjoyed all the normal things that girls her age enjoyed: dolls, cats, food (except pickles and olives), the color "red", hippopotumuses, and romantic crime novels (just kidding). She was always safety conscious and was careful to pray for protection on her way to school, on her way home from school, on her way to church, on her way home from church, on her way to her friend's house, etc., but she never thought about THE DUMP. And so that fateful day crept upon her unawares...

The sun shone brightly out of the East with not a cloud to hinder the view across the horizon. It was a very nice day, even nice enough to go to the landfill, Jane thought as she rode in the passenger seat of her dad's 2 year-old Ford Pickup, F-250, 4x4, with just 20,000 miles. As they drove into the landfill back to where the garbage was disposed of, she noticed the 2 foot deep ditch, complete with plenty of sludge, off to her right.

"What!" Her dad shouted, interrupting her thoughts, "Can't you stay on your side of the road? I pay taxes too, okay?"

"I am on my side," Jane replied.

"Not you! Him!"

Just then Jane noticed a large Mack truck heading right toward them! She screamed and covered her eyes as her dad swerved uncontrollably and sunk into the ditch. In desperation, he gunned it, but alas, his truck did not move.


INTERMISSION


"Whatever are we going to do?" Jane wailed, as they sat at a 45 degree angle.

"Never fear, my dear, I'll lock the hubs, and we'll put it in 4 wheel drive," Dad replied in his best Harlow impression.

"But, Dad, you already have it 4 wheel drive."

"Oh, right, just checking to see if you were paying attention. Heh, heh, heh!"

But Jane was not laughing; she just wanted to get out of there. Her dad rocked the truck back and forth, and with much mud spewing everywhere, managed to get the truck back on the road. Fortunately, the rest of the trip was uneventful, but little did she know of the danger that lurked around the corner in her future...

Well, several years passed, and Jane managed somehow to avoid getting stuck -- well, if she did, she always got unstuck without too much difficulty. However, the evening came when her parents insisted that she stay with her Aunt Matilda Cheepscate. There was no getting out of it; so she bravely faced the fact that she might as well make up her mind to ingest Aunt Matilda's gruel and stale bread.

"Oh dear child, you look positively scrumptious!" Jane's aunt gushed

How disgusting! Jane thought, but then she realized that her aunt didn't mean it literally. After all, she was no where near the 40 watt bulb that Aunt Matilda used for cooking. Still, Jane seemed strangely unaware of the potential this opportunity presented her for being stuck; whether it was denial or whether it was an oversight, I'm not sure.

"Where are we going?" Jane wondered as Aunt Matilda jerked the wheel on her aging, rusted-out Pinto with over 300,000 miles on it.

"Oh, it's a surprise."

No! No! Not The Dump! Jane thought. But it was. It was a local grease joint that everyone referred to as The Dump. It was a building with unsteady walls (held together with rotting wood siding, baling wire, and duct tape), sagging doors, broken windows, curled up shingles; and there was trash strewn all over the yard. It was by no means as attractive as my description makes it sound.

The aroma of dead fish and rotten eggs greeted Jane and Matilda as they staggered through the door and found a table.

"I'll have the Greaseburger with Limpid Fries, please," said Aunt Matilda.

"Just the Trashcan Sandwich and Muddy Water, for me," said Jane fighting off the urge to gag.
Fortunately Jane was hungry enough that she could avoid offending Aunt Matilda by choking down the suspiscious food without too much difficulty. However, when it was time to leave, with a rising sense of panic (and heartburn), she suddenly felt like...


INTERMISSION


...like she was permanently affixed to her chair. Must've been the remains of someone's Molassesburger...from 1980, she thought ruefully. Not being one to walk around with a chair protruding from the hinderparts of her dress, she jerked repeatedly on the chair until it came loose (along with parts of her clothing).

"Let's get outta' here," Aunt Matilda said.

For once, Jane couldn't agree with her more. They paid and hurried out of there; Jane's tattered dress rippling in the breeze. How embarrassing! She could feel others staring at the gaping holes in her dress even as she climbed into the car and slammed the door. Boy, did she feel about 1" tall right about then! But it was nothing -- I repeat -- nothing compared to the sheer embarrassment that would come to pass years later...

Contrary to her parents' expectations, Jane did eventually grow up. Not only that, but she even became entrenched (not stuck) in a dating relationship with Jose. And even more than that, she decided to take a position at Morlern Truth Programs (without checking into the potential of deranged maniacs lurking about the place). Soon after taking on the position, she bid her new deranged coworkers farwell and headed off to a place called Planty Unwideness in order to teach Bible school with Jose and some of her more normal friends.

One night as they sat around listlessly sorting their sock collection, Jose had an idea.
"Hey, you wanna' go to The Dump with me?",

Jane, being bored enough to have forgotten all her other close calls at The Dump, said, "Sure, why not? It's only 11 O'Clock."

"This shouldn't take long; I wouldn't worry about mosquito repellent." Little did they realize that these are famous last words of those who get stuck at The Dump...

The half moon hid behind the clouds as wolves howled in the distance. A large hungry-looking bear stood by the road staring at them as they entered The Dump. Jane shuddered at the eerie picture this left on her mind.

"I'm sure glad we're inside right now."

"Yeah, imagine getting eaten by wolves, bears, and mosquitoes all at once. That would constitute a Bad Evening; wouldn't you say?" Jose asked.

She was still thinking of the "Bad Evening" part when without warning the van jerked to the right ...


INTERMISSION


...as the right side of the van sank up to its axles in the soft sand. Jose tried rocking the van, until Jane pointed out that throwing rocks is not how you rock it. She started to get out and push (like several guys had done for her when her van was stuck in the ditch in front of the chapel, but that's another story), but the sight of the hordes of mosquitoes, followed by a couple of bears ambling towards them while licking their chops, stopped her.

"Oh well, welcome to our date!" Jose said trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"This is... 'different'! Maybe we should pray that someone back at Planty Unwideness sends out a search party." Jane suggested.

"Great idea! I love parties!"

"Jose!"

"Just kidding, just kidding!"

They prayed and talked, and then they prayed and talked some more. The night wore on; the bears looked hungrily in the windows, and the wolves slunk about in the inky shadows. Finally, after a long time (which was roughly the equivalent of the time it took for the rise and fall of the Roman Empire), they spotted headlights coming toward them.

"Hey, why are there head lice out here?" Jose wondered.

"I SAID "headlights" not "head lice!" Jane said in disgust.

"Oh, sorry."

Jane saw the headlights of their search party, and she was thankful -- thankful that God had sent a search party. Then she thought of her date, and she was sad and glad all at the same time. She was sad that her obstreperous coworkers would find endless hours of amusement in regaling her about her "trashy date". However, she was glad -- glad that she was able to spend lots of time with Jose, instead of with someone boring.

THE END

*Based on "Why God Let C.K. IV Fall Out Of The Shower" by Dustin Miller.