This is not a normal story. It is a story so intense that every so often a break is inserted so that the reader is not unnecessarily overwhelmed by whatever emotions are aroused as he or she reads this story. Facial tissues are recommended.

Why Konner Let Konner Con Her Over The Phone*
By I. C. Thruyu

Konner was a fairly normal boy growing up with his parents, as I recall. He was very careful to tell the truth, and his boyhood prayers especially reflected this characteristic. He would ask God to help him tell the truth at home, at school, at church, at his friend's house, etc. BUT he never thought about telling the truth on THE PHONE. And so that fateful day crept upon him unawares.

Well, Konner eventually became a young man and applied to go to the camp as a counselor. He was accepted, according to the letter he had received from the camp. He was very excited. "Eureka!" He exclaimed, as his brother watched him read the letter. He looked up in time to see his brother hold his nose shut. He guessed he must not smell too great either. He brought his mind back to the subject at hand, and he realized that he had never been anywhere near a camp. So he immediately began studying books on how to camp (Camping for Dummies).

One day while he was away, the camp secretary called and spoke to his mother.

"Is Konner there?" She wondered.

"No, but I could take a message, and he can call you back," his mother replied. When Konner returned later that day, his mother relayed the message to him. However, in his haste to return the call he forgot all about his effort to always tell the truth. Was this a perfect opportunity to disguise his voice and make up an alias? He picked up the receiver and dialed the number. He waited and waited, and after two rings she answered. He opened his mouth and . . .


INTERMISSION


He told the truth without any problem, and he gave her the required information without any vagueness on his part. That night he went to bed and dreamed that he was a happy buffalo chasing some butterflies (or was it mosquitoes?). After this, he dreamed he had made up a story that he was working for a place called Camplake Resort where they offered many amneties such as golfing, skiing, horseback riding, and fishing. What are amneties, and why couldn't he say amenities in his dream? These were his thoughts as he awoke. And why did I have to wear socks there anyway? Buffaloes don't wear socks.

At last the day came for him to go to camp, and when he got there he had a good time working as a counselor. He was a good counselor because he always told the truth, and he did return as a counselor for many summers afterward. He had decided the campers sure could use a lot of counselling. However, his days as counselor were coming to an end. The day came when the camp needed a maintenance guy, and Konner decided to apply for the position never thinking that there he might have to use . . . The Phone.

Once again, he was accepted, and he immediately moved into the new position and even used The Phone on occasion without incident. Things were going well in his job, and by now he was well into his term. It was a nice position, interesting work, pleasant coworkers, comfortable apartment, but they say a term isn't over until it is over. As he relaxed one evening after a hard day of changing lightbulbs, he wondered if he should surprise his mother by calling her that night or wait 'til the next. He made his decision. He slowly picked up The Phone and . . .


INTERMISSION


Where was I? Oh yes, he called his mother, and they had a pleasant conversation. He forgot to disguise his voice and use an alias, but told the truth instead. That night he dreamed again. This time his mother called him and interrupted his guitar playing and singing. She disguised her voice and even used some French, but he knew right away who it was. He hung up. The person singing at his feet had disappeared, but at least he still had his guitar in front of him. He tried to play, but his arms were stuck, they wouldn't move! Fighting panic, he awoke to the sound of ripping duct tape as his coworker wrapped yet another layer around Konner's arms. Konner tried to jerk his arms free, but it was no use.

"Help!" He cried, causing his coworker to laugh at his plight.

"Relax," said his coworker after regain his composure, "we're just practicing for the boy's club. I'll free you after awhile. (Right after you tell me what you did with the double-stuffed oreos.)" Well, Konner was sure glad that was all it was. For awhile he was afraid he had been lured into his old shed and captured by the notorious prison escapees, Rick and Bubba. He pushed aside all thoughts of being captured, as he considered the list of things that needed to be done that day. He decided he would work on the left cabin. The Phone in the left cabin.

The fateful day had arrived, but Konner had no clue of the danger lurking nearby. He spent most of the morning working on the communication system, and at last he was finished. Now for the test. His eyes fell on The Phone right beside him. After returning his eyes back into their sockets, he dialed the camp number. It was ringing through. So far so good, he thought. Then she answered and without thinking he opened his mouth . . .


INTERMISSION


And said in a disguised voice, "Could I have a place to stay tonight?"

"For just you?"

"Yes, just me. Oh, and my seven children. We're at the bus station in town and need a place to stay. Just for tonight. Oh, and could you pick us up too?"

"Oookay. Let me check. May I ask who's calling?"

"Uh, this is Ko -- this is Lonner. Yes, Lonner."

"Please hold while I check."

Well, Konner could contain himself no longer, and burst into gales of unbridled mirth much to the consternation of the person on the other end. Oh no, he thought after he hung up. What did I do? I just wanted to know if The Phone worked and I got carried away with my false story! What if she tries to get back at me? What if she hides behind one of the many doors we have here and jumps out and scares the socks off of me? (Then I would be in violation of dress code.) What if she calls me out of the blue instead of using The Phone? And what if she disguises her voice and . . . and . . . and talks in . . . French? He shuddered as he thought about how desperate someone would have to be to resort to using French.

Days went by, and he eventually forgot about any threats on his physical well-bean. Well-being, that is. But little did he know that one day while he was away, some perpetrators had broken into his apartment to teach him a lesson about the truth. He unsuspectingly opened the door to his apartment filled with uncharacteristic good cheer over the prospect of taking a trip to Him Thortons that night. He strode over to his bedroom, not realizing that his bedroom door was hanging open approximately two inches more than normal. He grasped the knob to push the door open and . . .


INTERMISSION


There before him were all seven of his children! Shocked? Yeah, you could say that. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of his room being in such a mess. Also, he had forgotten to iron the tablecloth in the kitchen/dining/living area. But he brought his thoughts back to the subject at hand.

"How did they get all of them in here?" He said to no one in particular. "And how'd they get them to stay in one place?" It was then he realized that -- wait a minute -- these weren't his children, these were balloons taking the form of his children! They even had names printed on their faces. How thoughtful. How sweet.

When Konner saw his children, he was glad. Now he would not have to worry about any more revenge from the phone operator. With these thoughts in mind, Konner went about his peaceful existence for the rest of his term at the camp. He told the truth regularly, even on The Phone. But after his term had ended, he left the camp and went on a lengthy road trip with some former coworkers. During this time, he called the camp for a phone number and disguised his voice and . . . well, that's another story.

The legend of Konner and The Phone lives on in the hearts and minds of his dearest friends. And while this is based on a true story, I must state that it is fiction and should be regarded as such.


*Based on "Why God Let C.K.IV Fall Out of the Shower" by Dustin Miller