Identity theft isn't just America's most commonly committed crime—it's also the easiest to commit, so it's no wonder that everyone from grandpas to grandbabies is getting in on the fun. To protect your identity from thieving grandpeople, follow these handy tips:
•First, ask yourself if your identity is really that valuable. Remember, if your identity is stolen, you'll automatically switch identities with the person who steals it, which could lead to the carefree, lawless life of delinquency you've always dreamed of.
•If you decide that your current life is worth safeguarding, lock your Social Security card in a fireproof safe. Then, hide the safe where no one would ever look—a public library.
•Never send personal info via email because an electronic message exists in cyberspace forever and could be hacked even years into the future. Always send personal info in a form that decays naturally—skywriting.
•Don't trust the people at banks. The next time you go into a bank and want to keep your identity a secret, wear a mask and communicate with the teller via handwritten notes.
•Keep a close eye on the one person who already knows too much about you—yourself. To stop yourself from stealing your own identity, you'll need a new identity (easily stolen from someone else) to keep the real you hidden and unstealable
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Parable of the Pig and the Puddle
By Mike Atnip
The kingdom of heaven is like unto a farmer’s son who was raising a pig for a 4-H project. Fair time was approaching fast, and Pete (the boy) was having a hard time keeping his pet clean. As all pigs are wont to do, it would instinctively investigate every mud puddle that it happened upon—even immediately after Pete had given him a good scrubbing with firm instructions to stay clean!
Pete knew that he stood no chance of winning the blue ribbon if he took a dirty pig to the show. But try as he might, he could not get his pig to keep himself clean once he had been given a thorough scrubbing. Pete’s only place to keep his pig was in a pen in which one corner stayed dry, but 90% of the pen was a mud hole—much to the pig’s great delight!
Pete schemed for days about his dilemma. How could he save his pig from his own natural instincts? He could put his pig in a strait jacket, but what would the judges think when he arrived at the fair with his pig in a strait jacket? And how could he walk his pig to town in a strait jacket? Oodles of puddles lay in the path to town, and he knew, he just knew, that his pet could never detour a mud puddle!
Finally, the great idea came upon Pete. He noticed that Skimps the kitty hated mud puddles! It would cost the life of his only kitty, but if only …
So he tried it. With a deft operation, Pete managed to take the soul out of the cat and put it into his pig.
How changed the pig was! He still weighed 220 pounds. He still had a snout and a curly tail. He still ate breakfast. But how he hated mud puddles with a passion!
The day of the show came, and Pete walked his pig to the fair. People stared in wonder at the boy and his pig walking down the puddle-filled road. The pig detoured or jumped over every mud puddle, with the amazing agility of a cat!
And so the pig, which had been given a thorough scrubbing some days previously, arrived at the show shining clean. What few spots he had received on the way to the show were promptly licked clean … you know, just like Skimps used to clean himself! By this means, Pete won the blue ribbon. The soul of the kitty in the body of the pig had saved the day!
This parable is by no means perfect. Yet it explains how that man can avoid the “mud puddles” of fleshly delights which fill this world we live in. Not by strait jackets, but by a change of character. If we box ourselves out of society by moving to some remote island, we may avoid many temptations. But that is not true freedom. The real freedom comes from having the character of Jesus placed into our hearts by a new birth. When this happens, we will hate sin just like the pig with a kitty heart hated those mud puddles.
Have you been born again? Has the nature of God been restored in you? Although we know that Pete could never put a kitty soul into a pig, we know that God can put Christ within us, thus saving us from our sin.
Hallelujah, what a salvation! ~Mike Atnip
Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 2 Pet. 1:4
The kingdom of heaven is like unto a farmer’s son who was raising a pig for a 4-H project. Fair time was approaching fast, and Pete (the boy) was having a hard time keeping his pet clean. As all pigs are wont to do, it would instinctively investigate every mud puddle that it happened upon—even immediately after Pete had given him a good scrubbing with firm instructions to stay clean!
Pete knew that he stood no chance of winning the blue ribbon if he took a dirty pig to the show. But try as he might, he could not get his pig to keep himself clean once he had been given a thorough scrubbing. Pete’s only place to keep his pig was in a pen in which one corner stayed dry, but 90% of the pen was a mud hole—much to the pig’s great delight!
Pete schemed for days about his dilemma. How could he save his pig from his own natural instincts? He could put his pig in a strait jacket, but what would the judges think when he arrived at the fair with his pig in a strait jacket? And how could he walk his pig to town in a strait jacket? Oodles of puddles lay in the path to town, and he knew, he just knew, that his pet could never detour a mud puddle!
Finally, the great idea came upon Pete. He noticed that Skimps the kitty hated mud puddles! It would cost the life of his only kitty, but if only …
So he tried it. With a deft operation, Pete managed to take the soul out of the cat and put it into his pig.
How changed the pig was! He still weighed 220 pounds. He still had a snout and a curly tail. He still ate breakfast. But how he hated mud puddles with a passion!
The day of the show came, and Pete walked his pig to the fair. People stared in wonder at the boy and his pig walking down the puddle-filled road. The pig detoured or jumped over every mud puddle, with the amazing agility of a cat!
And so the pig, which had been given a thorough scrubbing some days previously, arrived at the show shining clean. What few spots he had received on the way to the show were promptly licked clean … you know, just like Skimps used to clean himself! By this means, Pete won the blue ribbon. The soul of the kitty in the body of the pig had saved the day!
This parable is by no means perfect. Yet it explains how that man can avoid the “mud puddles” of fleshly delights which fill this world we live in. Not by strait jackets, but by a change of character. If we box ourselves out of society by moving to some remote island, we may avoid many temptations. But that is not true freedom. The real freedom comes from having the character of Jesus placed into our hearts by a new birth. When this happens, we will hate sin just like the pig with a kitty heart hated those mud puddles.
Have you been born again? Has the nature of God been restored in you? Although we know that Pete could never put a kitty soul into a pig, we know that God can put Christ within us, thus saving us from our sin.
Hallelujah, what a salvation! ~Mike Atnip
Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 2 Pet. 1:4
Saturday, June 26, 2010
All for Twelve Ounces
Caramel Mochiatto. I didn't even know how to say it, much less spell it.
Nevertheless I forged ahead to order this -- this . . . thing with unknown properties listed on the Starbucks menu. The first thing I did was try pronouncing it to the girl standing next to me. "Moshiotta" was how it came out. I was quickly corrected. Thus I narrowly avoided making a complete fool of myself in front of a perfect stranger, the cashier. Not that she was necessarily perfect, although I had no way of knowing since she was a stranger, of course. She didn't look like a perfect stranger. But I digress.
Three dollars and twenty-five cents, plus tax! For twelve ounces of liquid refreshment.
"My money-saving device." I had said as I held up my world famous "life is good" Nalgene bottle for all to behold. My audience gazed in wonder at this phenomenom. The gall of some people, to bring a water bottle to Starbucks! What cheapskates!
It was time for a diversion. "Behold, my table-saving device," I announced in an effort to avoid ridicule.
Time to go order. Hopefully no one would be attracted to the table we had been sitting at -- the one with the Nalgene water bottle prominently displayed.
Well, the ordering was uneventful, if you consider narrowly avoiding making a fool of yourself by mispronouncing something as representative of high culture as "caramel mochiatto". Three dollars and fifty-four cents with tax. Wow, I might have to take out a small loan from my local lending institution if this continues. It's debateable whether they would give me the money since mochiattos seem to be a highly depreciable asset. Like down to zero dollars in fifteen minutes.
I dug deep and paid for the frothy, but expensive, twelve ounce drink as I tried not to think of the cost per ounce factor. In fact, I must have tried so hard that I never thought about it . . . until the next day. Twenty-nine and a half cents! What if everything I drank cost me this much, I wondered? Twenty-nine and a half cents an ounce for water? Ouch. If I averaged one hundred ounces per day, that would come out to Twenty-nine dollars and fifty cents.
And I thought my taxes were high.
In conclusion, I am thankful that Starbucks does not own the water running to my tap. Otherwise, you know those people that sleep under bridges and take showers once a month? Yeah? Well, that's why no one would be able to afford showers . . .
Nevertheless I forged ahead to order this -- this . . . thing with unknown properties listed on the Starbucks menu. The first thing I did was try pronouncing it to the girl standing next to me. "Moshiotta" was how it came out. I was quickly corrected. Thus I narrowly avoided making a complete fool of myself in front of a perfect stranger, the cashier. Not that she was necessarily perfect, although I had no way of knowing since she was a stranger, of course. She didn't look like a perfect stranger. But I digress.
Three dollars and twenty-five cents, plus tax! For twelve ounces of liquid refreshment.
"My money-saving device." I had said as I held up my world famous "life is good" Nalgene bottle for all to behold. My audience gazed in wonder at this phenomenom. The gall of some people, to bring a water bottle to Starbucks! What cheapskates!
It was time for a diversion. "Behold, my table-saving device," I announced in an effort to avoid ridicule.
Time to go order. Hopefully no one would be attracted to the table we had been sitting at -- the one with the Nalgene water bottle prominently displayed.
Well, the ordering was uneventful, if you consider narrowly avoiding making a fool of yourself by mispronouncing something as representative of high culture as "caramel mochiatto". Three dollars and fifty-four cents with tax. Wow, I might have to take out a small loan from my local lending institution if this continues. It's debateable whether they would give me the money since mochiattos seem to be a highly depreciable asset. Like down to zero dollars in fifteen minutes.
I dug deep and paid for the frothy, but expensive, twelve ounce drink as I tried not to think of the cost per ounce factor. In fact, I must have tried so hard that I never thought about it . . . until the next day. Twenty-nine and a half cents! What if everything I drank cost me this much, I wondered? Twenty-nine and a half cents an ounce for water? Ouch. If I averaged one hundred ounces per day, that would come out to Twenty-nine dollars and fifty cents.
And I thought my taxes were high.
In conclusion, I am thankful that Starbucks does not own the water running to my tap. Otherwise, you know those people that sleep under bridges and take showers once a month? Yeah? Well, that's why no one would be able to afford showers . . .
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
PALM Mission Statement
I. We believe that coming to no conclusion is superior to coming to a false conclusion.
II. Therefore, all members shall refrain from drawing any conclusions simply on circumstantial evidence. (If drawing conclusions is absolutely necessary, it should be done on a piece of paper instead.)
III. These principles should apply to all areas of life, but these are outside of the scope of PALM. Therefore, these principles shall apply specifically to others' romantic/nonromantic relationships.
IV. All allegations of suspected romantic advances of others will be met with skepticism by the members of PALM.
V. Those spreading the allegations (allegators) must be educated by PALM members on the importance of coming to conclusions via proof.
For People Against Lousy Matchmaking,
Lou Sdeassuming
II. Therefore, all members shall refrain from drawing any conclusions simply on circumstantial evidence. (If drawing conclusions is absolutely necessary, it should be done on a piece of paper instead.)
III. These principles should apply to all areas of life, but these are outside of the scope of PALM. Therefore, these principles shall apply specifically to others' romantic/nonromantic relationships.
IV. All allegations of suspected romantic advances of others will be met with skepticism by the members of PALM.
V. Those spreading the allegations (allegators) must be educated by PALM members on the importance of coming to conclusions via proof.
For People Against Lousy Matchmaking,
Lou Sdeassuming
Things Mom Would Never Say
From Lloyd Kelly
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
From Lloyd Kelly
1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week."
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
Saturday, April 17, 2010
What does she know about Mennonites?
I was listening to the podcast at boundless.org (116), and they were talking about how awful they looked in the Eighties. I think Candace said something about it being the missing decade (in her personal history). You have all these pictures from her life during the other decades, but mysteriously nothing from the Eighties. What a coincidence. Anyway, Lisa said that yeah, she looked like she just stepped out of a "Mennonite garage sale". I was too amused to be offended.
Monday, March 22, 2010
My introduction to the two new livewires at kids' club started on the playground. I wandered out there in hopes of, you know, hanging out and stuff. Well, it wasn't long before I met Klara and Chloe. Sisters, 15 months apart. And Chloe promptly informed me that whatever she does, it's because she's already seen Klara do it.
"You're a monkey," I told Klara as she tried to emulate me climbing up the playset.
"Oh no I'm not. I'm an elephant!" she replied without obvious embarrassment.
She didn't look much like an elephant to me, I told her. She was blonde, thin, and with the normal stature of a seven year-old. Not large, cumbersome, gray, or with large ears and long trunk. (Kinda' like the old joke: What do a grape and an elephant have in common? They're both purple except for the elephant.)
Towards the end of the evening we generally have food, and this time was no different. Pizza, chips, whoopie pies, and pop. Yes I know this is a coronary waiting to happen, but they're still young. ;-)
Well these girls must have gotten a hold of something that "wired" them, because next thing we knew they were chasing Mr. Tim all over the basement. Unfortunately, Klara laid hands on his cell phone and made off with it. She was busily engaged with her new toy when . . . it rang. So she immediately returned with the ringing phone while saying something about "Ron Miller calling". That would have been Mr. Ron's method for the return of the phone.
Later Chloe would somehow find Mr. Tim's wallet and be running around the basement clutching $59 in cash. Kids' clubs and valuables: How well do they mix?
Probably about as well as "wired" kids and sugar.
"You're a monkey," I told Klara as she tried to emulate me climbing up the playset.
"Oh no I'm not. I'm an elephant!" she replied without obvious embarrassment.
She didn't look much like an elephant to me, I told her. She was blonde, thin, and with the normal stature of a seven year-old. Not large, cumbersome, gray, or with large ears and long trunk. (Kinda' like the old joke: What do a grape and an elephant have in common? They're both purple except for the elephant.)
Towards the end of the evening we generally have food, and this time was no different. Pizza, chips, whoopie pies, and pop. Yes I know this is a coronary waiting to happen, but they're still young. ;-)
Well these girls must have gotten a hold of something that "wired" them, because next thing we knew they were chasing Mr. Tim all over the basement. Unfortunately, Klara laid hands on his cell phone and made off with it. She was busily engaged with her new toy when . . . it rang. So she immediately returned with the ringing phone while saying something about "Ron Miller calling". That would have been Mr. Ron's method for the return of the phone.
Later Chloe would somehow find Mr. Tim's wallet and be running around the basement clutching $59 in cash. Kids' clubs and valuables: How well do they mix?
Probably about as well as "wired" kids and sugar.
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