Ever wonder about the advantages to being fat? Consider this for one: Fat people are harder to kidnap. Also they make for more interesting stories. Now I am in neither endorsing nor condemning the essence of being fat. There are both advantages and disadvantages to being overweight, but it seems to me that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. (Okay, that was a bad joke.) Here's one story I heard not long ago.


The Nine Hundred Pound Man

Many years ago, in the South, there lived a man that during his lifetime put on plenty of weight. So much that when he died, he weighed in the neighborhood of nine hundred pounds. (And he weighed nine hundred pounds in his neighborhood too.) Now the funeral director had no way of dealing with the actual burial of one so heavy. So he did the only thing he could do; he called the local pourer/hauler/setter of septic tanks. This guy had a truck with a boom and winch that he used for septic tank installation.

So there he was, with his old, dirty truck in the the funeral procession, when one his steel pieces fell off the truck. Since this piece would be mandatory for lowering the casket, there was nothing to do but to halt the procession while he ran back to retrieve the piece.

When they got to the grave, they chained up the casket and let it down slowly. However, since his winch was kind of the way it was, it turned out to be a rather jerky descent down into the hole. ("Steady by jerks," they used to say.) After the body was lowered, they tried vainly to pull the chains out, but it was no use. They were hopelessly stuck under all that weight. So they threw them in and buried him with chains.


Da Nein Hunnaht Pund Mann
(PAD version)

Yoahra zrikk, in di Saud, es voah en mann es blendi feel gvicht druff gedua hott ivvah sei layves-zeit. So feel es ivvah di zeit vo eah gshteahva is hott eah nein hunnaht pund gveekt. Nau di leicht ivvah-saynah hott kenn vayk katt fa ebbah so shveah fagrawfa. So hott eah en calli gekawld es septic tanks gleahed un gsetzt hott fa sei eahvet. Eah hott di dingah als gsetz mitt sei truck es en boom un winch druff katt hott.

So datt voah eah, mitt sei alt, dreckichah truck in di leicht lein. No uff aymol shleid ayns funn sei shtawl shtikkah ab funn sei bett un fald uff da vayk. Siddah es deah shtikk oahrich notvendich voah fa da lohd nunnah lossa, hott eah missa di lein uff hayva deveil es eah zrikk ganga iss fa's shtikk zrikk hohla.

Vo si an's grawb kumma sinn, henn si ketta unnich da lawt gedua fa's shloh nunnah lossa. Avvah siddah's sei winch voah saddah da vayk es es voah, hott's da lawt oarich jerky nunnah in's loch glost. Noch demm es da leib nunnah voah henn si beviaht di ketta ruff zeeya, avvah's voah kenn gutt. Si voahra zu veesht kshtukka unnich awl's gvicht. Si henn uff gend si nei shmeissa, un henn een fagrawva mitt ketta.

(Anyone know the word for "jerky"?)