Next week I plan to help move Marvin Coblentz's various and sundry possessions from South Carolina to Colorado (which is close to 1800 miles). For them it involves a Penske rental truck, a Honda Odyssey, and a 16 ft. enclosed trailer. For me it involves my dearly beloved Dodge Ram 2500 towing the aforementioned trailer. All I can think of is how it could go as outlined by:


How to Move Lots of Stuff 1800 Miles in 12 Easy Steps
by: Wo Nelly

Step 1. Install 8 ft. high box on 16 ft. flat bed trailer of your choice -- preferably one with a sufficiently low weight rating.

Step 2. Fill above box chock full with large dense objects all the while avoiding even distribution of weight. Proceed to wonder why hitch is only 6 in. off the ground.

Step 3. At 6 am (before dawn), pull truck/trailer combination out of garage but in the process scrape concrete with this special low-clearance hitch. Proceed to wonder why trailer lights are now suddenly nonfunctional.

Step 4. Discover sheared wires under recently scraped trailer hitch. Reconnect wires in dark.

Step 5. Open box to redistribute weight.

Step 6. Travel approximately 20 miles (a respectable 1% of the way) before experiencing trailer tire blowout (not to be confused with a tire blowout sale).

Step 7. Call wife (if married*) to bring extra jack.

Step 8. Proceed to struggle to raise wheel/axle with 2 jacks (in the process stripping the gears of one). After raising it to unsafe levels, dig dirt out from under tire to remove.

Step 9. Use the wife's van to drive into town to get tire replaced.

Step 10. Reinstall wheel.

Step 11. Allow wife to talk you into eating lunch at McDonalds with the family yet before departing.

Step 12. After lunch take truck/trailer rig to tire repair shop for evaluation of the squattage levels of tires.

Step 13. Witness extreme incredulity from tire guy over the obviously excessive load on rig.

Step 14. Return home and unload half the load. (Find out later that current load is still overweight. See step 16.)

Step 15. At 4 pm leave for destination.

Step 16. Realize before long that due to weight content of load, 55 mph is max safe speed. Otherwise experience the adrenaline-inducing experiences of rig uncontrollably swaying back and forth in certain situations. Also realize that the 16 year-old relief driver is not yet qualified to drive in such a stressful situation.

Step 17. Arrive after 36 hrs. of driving time, having driven the whole way without assistance (see last part of step 16).

Step 18. Personally capture and torture author of these directives with hot pokers for writing this nonsense.


*If not married, refer to the guide: How to Get Hitched Without Feeling "Whoa" in 18 Easy Steps.